Welcome to the Alpha Sigma Sigma party. My name is Chet. To your left is the line for entry. To your right is the line for leaving the premises. If you don’t have on your chubbies, your chacos, and your bowtie, I regret to inform you that you can’t enter this party and will have to step to the line to your right. If you do have on the required items, feel free to step into the line to the left and wait your turn for entry. An exception for not having chacos is in effect, but only if you are wearing loafers without socks. Access to the keg is 5 dollars. Access to Chad’s grav bong is ten dollars. Access to the vault of molly is fifteen dollars. Access to my asshole is twenty dollars. Please choose wisely which of these you would like to purchase, as there is no refund. Once you get inside the Alpha Sigma Sigma house, you will find a variety of hedonistic wonders to partake in. The first room you enter will be full of just straight up fuckin. The room after that will be the dance floor. Holy fucking shit there goes Chase on a horse booty ass naked like Lady Godiva. God damn it that fool. Now I’ll have to lose my deposit that I gave to the petting zoo. After the dance room is the arts and crafts room. I hope you brought some extra chubbies to dip dye. If crafts is not your style, then I might suggest Brad’s bedroom. He is up there smoking a fat doobie and listening to Led Zeppelin while he gently rubs one out. There is no pressure to join him in jerking it, but if you want to, you are more than welcome to. At midnight we are departing for Reggie’s dad’s yacht. Only the frattiest of bros will be allowed to attend. We will inform you if you made the cut or not by supplying you with a ticket to the yacht afterparty. Keep on the lookout and don’t be a square and you’ll have a chance to party with us. It’s almost your turn to enter, but first I have to ask, who do you know at this party? You can’t get in if you don’t know anybody at this party. Oh, you know Chad? Cool. Alright then, go on in. Enjoy yourself.